On Regaining Humility

     I've not been to my sword school in quite some time now. I think I have a plan to return on the 12th, for a four-hour Longsword class, and I am looking forward to that. 

    I took a Japanese conversation course that lasted six weeks, and I hated most of it. I didn't LEARN anything in the way I was hoping to.

    I just left a comment in a Discord channel saying that it was neat to see someone else is painting miniatures. I feel I can paint way better than they can at this point, but the desire was to see the similarity between us, not the difference.

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    All three of these seemingly disparate events tie back to one thing I've been struggling with lately: humility.

    It would be hard to accurately judge my own level of humility, but I think I have a fairly decent reputation for being objective, if not humble. There have been many situations where I was senior in a skill and worked to use that skill without showing off. But there have also been times where I have wanted to flex and to flex HARD on someone with these skills, most often Japanese or swordsmanship.

    I think I've lost the shine on my humility, and it's making it hard for me to learn. For a long time, I kept the old "I know nothing." mantra running in my head, a safeguard against that same head swelling and becoming arrogant. And yet, somewhere along the line, I felt it was time to move on to "I know SOME things." It's this change in thought that I suspect was the key mistake.

    By presupposing that I knew cold hard facts (which, in fairness, I do for some things) I inflated the value of my judgement in matters. I have a degree in Japanese language studies, so anyone ELSE's approach to language, if it does not fit with mine, must be wrong. I was, for a time, the foremost expert on Fiore dei Liberi's works in Japan. So anyone who interprets Fiore differently must be wrong. I'm DEFINITELY a better painter than some folks I've seen online and in person, so anyone's critiques of my painting must be wrong.     

    Indeed, there was a point a few years ago where I stopped trying to emulate the plays from Fiore's works and simply BUILD my own based on my understandings of his principles. And sometimes this works. Sometimes, it does not. When it does not, I decide I must have done something slightly wrong because of course the issue was in my execution and not the plan itself. I mean, it's inspired by MY understanding of STEAPHEN's interpretation of a 600-year old book's expression of Fiore's knowledge. Where could there POSSIBLY be a disconnect in that pure, pure lineage? No, my idea can't be wrong, only my execution.

    Compare this with my recent discovery that I've had some basic body mechanic and posture elements wrong for as long as I can remember, and yet I still assume my theory is infallible.

    This contrasts with the younger, wide-eyed James who absorbed whatever was taught to him, and tried to reconcile it within his own mind. Now I find myself putting up barricades and refusing new information flat out on the off chance it disagrees with that which I already "know".

    There are times where I find myself floating in that perfect headspace in which I feel young and curious and willing to learn, but it is difficult to maintain. I suspect it is connected to those meditative times when I am able to slow down my racing brain and embrace the moment for what it is. Those are times when I certainly feel at peace. So I am led to believe that a key part of rediscovering humility and curiosity is to try and live more of my time in this slower, more open mindset. Even if only a few minutes a day, I should endeavor to keep the doors of my mind open to let things in, and then sort them out later.

    We'll see how that goes.